Hey Olympics Fans! Here we are again! Four years older, wiser, wider, and older. The Summer Olympics are underway and you know me, I am the BIGGEST OLYMPICS FAN this side of the Missisisiisiisiisiisisisisisffpiisisis. For those of you who haven’t been watching because are too busy with other stuff, like raising a family, keeping a job or waiting for your agent to call, here are some highlights from this weekend’s events!

This year’s Olympics are taking place in London. The birthplace of Shakespeare, The Beatles, The Spice Girls, f-ed up wedding hats and Madonna’s accent.

London did NOT disappoint with the opening ceremony. The Olympic torch made its way throughout all of London this weekend. From the Ole Shakespeare Theatre through the rolling hills of Downton Abbey over the trees of Keith Richards Avenue and finally landing in the center of Olympic stadium. In beautiful downtown London in between where the Queen lives and where the remaining members of Queen live.

Speaking of the Queen, she came out for the honorary Throw The Javelin Into The Pool ceremony which officially started the games. At the time, members of the Greece swimming team were practicing in said pool. Some were stabbed by the javelin which made them forfeit the event. But all was not lost, as the Queen gave them all tickets to the London Wax Museum. 

The first event of this year’s Olympics was the diving competition. Lots of people dove…um…dived?  Had doved. Had dived? Doven.  A dove dived? Division….ahem…anyway…that event…happened.

Onto everyone’s favorite summer Olympics event, the runnings. So many athletes ran during this year’s Olympics. Some fans may be surprised to learn that there are 385 different running competitions within the Olympics. They include:

-The 50 yard dash

-The 2 meter team relay

-Running With Someone From An Opposing Team On Your Back

-The Somersault Run

-The Summer Salt Run

-Running With Your Eyes Closed

-Running With Scissors (Based on the book Push by Precious)

-The Hurdles Running

-The 69 yard dash (use your imagination)

-Turkey Trot 2012 Sponsored By Bank Of America

-The Fart Run

-The Runs Run

-Running Away From Your Fears

-Runyon Canyon

-Funyuns

-Running

And of course what Olympics coverage is complete without Michael Phelps! For those of you who have been living under a rock for the past several years…first let me ask, what could have POSSIBLY happened in your life that lead you to live under a rock? I mean seriously. There are shelters, alleys, beaches. But under a rock? I’m already cringing just thinking of how I would lose sleep without my pillow and blanky. I’ve already forgotten what I was going to say about Michael Phelps because SOMEONE (you) couldn’t get your shit together which lead you to live under a rock!

And finally! Volleyball! The US team really showed the rest of the world that we are the best at everything all the time by winning two rounds of volleyball. NUFF SAID! Take THAT Iraq!

Well my friends, I am as winded as Michael Phelps at the end of a swimming thing. Thanks for checking in. And as a wise man once said at the 198something Summer Olympics, “On your mark, get set…(cough) wait! No wait, I coughed! I didn’t say go!” 

Sam the Mountain Goat is a frequent contributor to no publication. He lives on a mountain. He is a goat.

Can I get something off my chest, here? I mean, besides the flies and bugs and shit that usually are on my chest? I HATE DRAW SOMETHING! For those of you who arent familiar, its the newest hit game one can play on an iphone, android, ipad, padpad, pad thai, phoney phone. Everyone loves this game and I don’t know why. 

Here’s how it works. You get a word, like let’s say it’s “apple.” Then you draw an apple and the other person you’re playing with guesses the word. Now some of you are saying, “Isn’t that Pictionary? Why not call it Pictionary?” The same reason Coldplay isn’t called U2…copyright shit. 

So here’s the thing, my friends are talking about this game like it’s the new CHEW GRASS UNTIL SUNDOWN, which has always been MY favorite game. 

So I decide to check it out. Luckily one of the hikers who died on the trail up here had an ipad in his bag. So I take out the ipad and continue his game. His friend, whose name is apparently KanyeEast374, drew a ladybug. Easy. I know what a ladybug looks like. Humans love them. Even though we mammals all know that ladybugs are arrogant and very, VERY racist. Anyway, now it’s my turn to draw something. It gives me three words to choose from. Their difficulty increases with each word. The words are “Cheese”, “Trophy”, and “RudyHuxtable.” What the hell is a RudyHuxtable???

So I decide to go with trophy. 

Here’s where the fun stops. 

As I’m trying to draw I realize…I CAN’T! My fucking hooves! They keep sliding on the screen and all it draws are a bunch of clumps and dots. And I try to erase but the colors and the thickness of the colors keep changing! Anyone in earshot would only hear this…

“Baaaahhhh! (squeaky) Baaaaahhhh! (clop) BAAAAAAHHHHH! (thump)”

Before you know it, my drawing is sent to this dead hiker’s friend! It looked NOTHING like a trophy. It looked more like a potato ate a box of sharpies then exploded, which I know happens a lot. 

In my frustration I do what I normally do, I ate the ipad. 

I went back to the dead hiker to see if anything else was in his bag. All I found were a few Luna bars, a bottle of water and the Season 2 DVDs of something called The Cosby Show. At least now I know what a RudyHuxtable is. And boy can she lip sync!

Thank you for reading. 

Taken with instagram

So it’s been a while since I blogged. I’ve been traveling. That’s all you need to know about my whereabouts.

Yesterday, I was with my niece as she found out that the cow she painted did not win in a national contest held by the dairy company sponsoring the competition. The quick version is that she was 1 of 9 finalists chosen, nationwide, in this art competition. As you may expect and as you’d also react, it was heartbreaking to see the winner announced on the website. To make it more “exciting” they had an actual countdown so that you could, as my family did, gather by a small laptop screen and feel the nerves heighten with every descending number. 

The competition was held very much like American Idol, in that the public was asked to vote how ever many times they’d like. We all did our best to vote as many times but did not have enough at the end.

So this brings up a few points. 

I hate American Idol. 

And when I say that, I just don’t mean the actual show. But hate the idea that art is a popularity contest.

(For those of you thinking, “oh, boy, here he goes again…”…yup, here I go again)

The tough part about wanting to do something creative for a living is knowing that we are not always in charge of our path…professionally. Most of the time other people get to decide which of our art is worthy. And that’s tough. Real tough. Who has the right to say that our expression is good or not? 

I told my niece that as much as this stings now, it won’t matter once she’s on to her next piece. Her cow DID win. And I don’t mean in a “here’s-a-certificate-for-showing-up” win, but I mean in a “your-art-is-correct-because-it-came-from-you” win. 

Art is not American Idol. Picasso, Twain, Frank Lloyd Wright, The Marx Brothers, Bob Dylan and many others (obviously), didn’t express themselves because the public called into a corporate sponsored game show. They expressed themselves because they found something inside their souls that needed to come out and they didn’t let the opinions of others keep that from happening.

 It’s not for us to decide which art wins and which art loses. Your art wins if it comes from a place of pure honesty, passion, fun and love. 

So, everyone, be proud of your cow. And regardless of what the world thinks, move on to the next one with as much heart, anger, joy, love, frustration, humor, energy, soul and as much YOU as you can possibly give. 

Thanks for reading. 

Welcome to LA. As you begin your wonderful journey here, you will start to notice patterns popping up in conversations around town. Most of the time, the conversations will be about all of your accomplishments in LA up until now. Well there’s good news and bad news. The bad news is that things take time out here and you may not have much to talk about. The good news is, neither does anyone else! So here, for you, is a guide on how to BS your way through these types of conversations. Follow these tips and soon I’ll see YOU at a party in the Hills (Woodland Hills) hosted by (a) Ryan Gosling (impersonator.) 

Representation

When you first move out here, other actors will want to know one thing and one thing only. “What agency are you with?” Here’s what you should know. It DOESN’T MATTER. There are so many agencies out here. No one is keeping track. You could make it up on the spot, by doing one of two things.

1) Put any 3 letters of the alphabet together. 

 ”What agency are you with?”

-“R.B.K.”

-“A.N.Q.”

-“F.B.V.”

-“G.G.G.”

Congrats! You have an agent!

2) Choose an adjective. Usually one that ends with an ‘ive’ works best!

“What agency are you with?”

-“Creative”

-“Relative”

-“Adhesive”

-“Beehive”

Oops! You let Beehive slip out. When you are given the confused look, just say, “It’s a boutique agency.” 

Whew! SUCCESS! 

Projects

Another question you will get is, “What are you working on?” Usually people ask this question for one of three reasons:

1) They want know if they are doing better than you

2) They want to know if there is a way they can also be involved in your project

3) They want to know if they are doing better than you

Now, you can be completely honest and say “I mostly just eat, cry and masturbate every day. No particular order.” 

OR you could use one of these FANTASTIC answers!

“What are you working on?”

-“A thing for the web.”

-“A web thing.”

-“This internet thing.”

- “This thing that’s like a web-series-Twitter-account-interactive-facebook-original-commercial-series-doritos-sponsored-web-internet-web-Netlfix-youtube-webby-web-Steven-Weber-inter-thing.”

You’re on your way!

The Look

Finally, you will often get the “look”. This is the look you are given that signals to you, that the person you are talking to, wants you to ask THEM what THEY’VE been up to. It usually comes in the middle of your answer. This is when the other person has checked out and is just WAITING for you to shut the hell up so that THEY can tell you THEIR accomplishments. To have fun with this, start your question as if you ARE going to ask them what they’re up to, but then switch up the end of the question.

1) “So, what have you been up to…politically?”

2) “Who represents you…in a court of law?”

3) “So what are you working on…to better your chances of becoming a wizard?”

4) “Any projects you’ve been working on…for the science fair this year?”

The person you are talking to will then:

- Melt

-Stay frozen in time

-Vomit

-Stutter until a small fire builds in their mouth

-Give you their business card, which will have the name of the internet business card company on it, in a much larger font than the name of the person handing you the card. 

At this point, you can take a deep breath, drive home, warm up a hot pocket, and eat your feelings away!

Have fun and WELCOME TO LOS ANGELES! 

A couple of years ago, on my birthday,  I wrote stories where the number of words matched the numbers in my birthday.  I’ve decided to do this again. You may call it laziness (which is correct), but I will start to call it a tradition. I was born on 4/25/78. This year I will turn 34.

25 

A pirate named Bernie wanted to start a scrapbook. It was a good idea until he realized he couldn’t do much with hooks for hands. 

4

 The hobo finally shaved.

34

Billy couldn’t sleep. He checked under his bed. He saw three monsters. They were playing cards and had run out of snacks. They hungrily looked at Billy. Lucky for Billy, these monsters were vegan. 

78

For the last few years, Ithamar’s parents told him that the age he was turning, was their favorite age. When he turned 32 they said, “32 was my favorite age!” When he turned 33 they said, “33 was my favorite age!” Even this year, “34 was my favorite age!”  Technically you can’t have more than one favorite. But as long as he heard the excitement and love from his parents, every year would indeed be his favorite age. 

That’s write folks! (I replaced what would be ‘right’ with ‘write’. That sort of thing will happen with this new look. You know, to keep you on your toes. Which is good for everyone since being on your toes is good exercise. For your calves especially. But let us move forward.)

(Although, now that we’re on the subject, if you DO plan to work on your calves make sure you also work on the rest of your body or you will end up looking like one half of a Q-tip. The bottom half…unLESS you are holding the Q-tip upside down.)

(But then who really knows which way is the right way to hold a Q-tip? Just be yourself. But let us continue…)

(I remember learning in the 4th grade that it’s actually dangerous to clean your ears with Q-tips. Which was mind blowing for a 4th grader. I didn’t really know what Q-tips were for. Of course what you learn as you get older, besides how to do laundry, taxes and sexy things, is that Q-tips can be used for cleaning jewelry, applying rubbing alcohol to rubbed things and to do paint touch ups on cabinets, old desks and The Crow costumes. ANYWAY, about the new look…)

(Do you guys remember The Crow? I remember at the time it was a good movie. I loved it. But I wonder, just hear me out, if the movie would’ve been just as good if Brandon Lee wasn’t killed while filming it. Think about it. Would you have still seen it? )

(Yeah…me too. I would’ve still seen it.)

(Brandon Lee or Brendan Lee?)

(It’s that very thing that makes working in an action film scary. I’ve never been in an action film but still. What if there is a loaded gun or a real grenade or a real Bruce Willis that gets thrown at you? How will you know until it happens? That’s why I’m so glad SAG and AFTRA joined forces. I’m sure that’s the first thing on their agenda: How To Prevent Film Sets From Using Real Bruce Willis’s. So the new blog…)

(Is Bruce Willis a good actor? I mean his action movies are great right? And not just anyone can pull those off, so I’m going to say ‘yes’ he is a good actor)

(Remember Moonlighting? Good show but for some reason the only two things I remember is the episode where they are dressed in Shakespearean garb, singing “Doctor…DOCTOR! Mr. MD…DOCTOR!” and how Ms. Dipesto was dating Booger from Revenge of The Nerds. That’s all I remember. But I digress…)

(Remember Degrassi Junior High? I realize that so far my references are pretty old but I guess this is all making me feel nostalgic. Degrassi Junior High was this show that was on PBS when I was a kid. I know that it was on Canadian TV but for some reason in El Paso, it was on PBS. I understand they re-did it, which is fine. Good for them…GOOD for themmmmmmm.)

(That show tackled some pretty controversial issues like teen pregnancy and graffiti. Which is funny because now both those things are considered artistic.)

(I want to be the Banksy of pregnancies. I get women pregnant but no one knows who I am.)

(I just realized that would be very illegal and disgusting on my part. I’m sorry if I offended you. I am not going to pursue that.)

(And while we’re at it, I’m sorry if I offended any Bruce Willis or Brendan Lee fans.)

(Q-tip fans could go f themselves)

So the new blog…(what’s that? No more time? Crap)

Thanks for reading. 

Mr. (Fred) Rogers

One of my all time favorite SNL sketches and a beautiful tribute.