Welcome to LA. As you begin your wonderful journey here, you will start to notice patterns popping up in conversations around town. Most of the time, the conversations will be about all of your accomplishments in LA up until now. Well there’s good news and bad news. The bad news is that things take time out here and you may not have much to talk about. The good news is, neither does anyone else! So here, for you, is a guide on how to BS your way through these types of conversations. Follow these tips and soon I’ll see YOU at a party in the Hills (Woodland Hills) hosted by (a) Ryan Gosling (impersonator.)
When you first move out here, other actors will want to know one thing and one thing only. “What agency are you with?” Here’s what you should know. It DOESN’T MATTER. There are so many agencies out here. No one is keeping track. You could make it up on the spot, by doing one of two things.
1) Put any 3 letters of the alphabet together.
”What agency are you with?”
Congrats! You have an agent!
2) Choose an adjective. Usually one that ends with an ‘ive’ works best!
“What agency are you with?”
Oops! You let Beehive slip out. When you are given the confused look, just say, “It’s a boutique agency.”
Another question you will get is, “What are you working on?” Usually people ask this question for one of three reasons:
1) They want know if they are doing better than you
2) They want to know if there is a way they can also be involved in your project
3) They want to know if they are doing better than you
Now, you can be completely honest and say “I mostly just eat, cry and masturbate every day. No particular order.”
OR you could use one of these FANTASTIC answers!
“What are you working on?”
-“A thing for the web.”
-“A web thing.”
-“This internet thing.”
- “This thing that’s like a web-series-Twitter-account-interactive-facebook-original-commercial-series-doritos-sponsored-web-internet-web-Netlfix-youtube-webby-web-Steven-Weber-inter-thing.”
You’re on your way!
Finally, you will often get the “look”. This is the look you are given that signals to you, that the person you are talking to, wants you to ask THEM what THEY’VE been up to. It usually comes in the middle of your answer. This is when the other person has checked out and is just WAITING for you to shut the hell up so that THEY can tell you THEIR accomplishments. To have fun with this, start your question as if you ARE going to ask them what they’re up to, but then switch up the end of the question.
1) “So, what have you been up to…politically?”
2) “Who represents you…in a court of law?”
3) “So what are you working on…to better your chances of becoming a wizard?”
4) “Any projects you’ve been working on…for the science fair this year?”
The person you are talking to will then:
-Stay frozen in time
-Stutter until a small fire builds in their mouth
-Give you their business card, which will have the name of the internet business card company on it, in a much larger font than the name of the person handing you the card.
At this point, you can take a deep breath, drive home, warm up a hot pocket, and eat your feelings away!
Have fun and WELCOME TO LOS ANGELES!